I Will Set The Country To Rights;)

I have been looking at the Tory manifesto from 2010 (disability living allowance will be protected) as well as puzzling over Labour's latest foray into bluedom (a contribution based benefits system). Labour are looking at welfare but they are not the party of cuts, they're really not. They say they're not, so that is that.

Harriet Harman talks of not dictating how many children should be born into a family but of ensuring men and women make proper choices about their children. So that's different then. Harriet also says working people are exasperated at seeing others bringing up large families on benefits. I work, I'm a single parent and I'm not exasperated. Which pigeonhole do I fit into?

Since both parties seem to be enjoying a parliamentary It's A Knockout race to see who can kick the working class the hardest, I thought I'd offer them some suggestions of my own. How they divvy them up is their own affair. They seem to be rather adept at *affairs, so this should not present any difficulties.
*N.B. Boris Johnson is to report to me for a discussion re the above.

Benefits
No benefits to be paid to anyone ever. Gosh, this is easier than I thought it would be.

Work
Following consultations with my media gurus (sorry, specialist advisors) I am here to tell you today there will be no more paid work. Everyone will be expected to work free of charge. We will allocate you to a suitable post.  Workfare has done this country proud.
N.B. This new ruling will not apply to bosses, the aristocracy or the monarchy (as if!)

Food
I am not unreasonable in this regard. Food will be allocated on the basis of need not greed (or vice versa if you're rich, obviously). We recognise food vouchers are unfair and are to be withdrawn immediately. Please return any half eaten parcels to your nearest collection point.

Outdoor workers will be able to enjoy the wealth of green vegetation available in our parks, laybys (how do you pluralise that?) and roundabouts. After litter picking and weeding you will be entitled  to one bag of grass for your main meal and a snack of dandelion leaves for tea. Breakfast is no longer a permitted word.

For workers in supermarkets or similar establishments, a meal of value bread and sugar will be provided at the cantee... skip in the car park.
N.B. Sugar will be protein enriched by the addition of earwigs, cockroaches, woodlice and whatever else is found in the dustpan.

Office and factory workers will be expected to eat the bosses' leftovers which will be drop... placed carefully on the floor while he is out playing golf or she is getting her hair done. Any spillages must be paid for by working extra shifts.

Everyone Else
If you do not fit any of the above criteria I don't know what to do with you.