The After Effects of Being Bullied

I was bullied by someone in my life, someone who ought to have known better. Coming from the left side of the political spectrum, I rather naively thought socialists don't do things like bullying. I thought all the talk of equality and respect for women would carry through to home life. Sadly in my case I was wrong.

I will not go into specific detail here as nothing I say will be new to most people. The physical and mental abuse went on over several years and affected not just me but my immediate family members. I am no longer in that situation and have moved on in any ways, both physically and emotionally. My confidence took a severe bruising but it gradually repaired itself through going to work and volunteering.

One aspect of the mental abuse has stayed with me though. I used to be questioned, interrogated even, about an apparent mistake such as a slip up in the household budgeting. I would be asked why did these figures not add up, why, why why? He seemed to think the use of repeated and aggressive questioning would eventually illicit the correct response. In fact what happened was my brain would shut down to the point where I could not think at all; it would be like looking at a blank wall. I could not even guess at an answer, I couldn't remember how to guess.

I don't know if it was my mind's way of dealing with stress but it really did not help in that situation. I would then be told I was ignorant; being deliberately argumentative or provocative. The simple fact was I could not answer the question because I did not know how to. My mind would not let me attempt an answer. This may have stemmed from the fact that whenever I did answer a question it was invariably wrong. Whatever answer I gave to a question, I should have given a different one. I suppose in the end my mind decided the best thing was to say nothing at all.

Although I am now happy and settled I still suffer the after effects of close interrogation. Even when alone, if I read something that requires a degree of working out there are days when my mind simply switches off. I see the words or numbers in front of me but they are just shapes and my head doesn't know what to do with them. Fortunately it doesn't happen very often and I have learnt not to try and fight it. If I get a blank I just walk away and work on something else.

My work brings me into contact with people who have gone through similar experiences. I empathise and I never judge. So why didn't he, she, just walk away? It's not that easy. When your confidence is crushed you forget how to plan or make decisions. You simply can't do it.